BrOwnIcOle wAndeRiNg Up thE clOuD

I knew the fact that you have a girlfriend now...

I don't know when did you get one, I don't know who is she (which I hope is a "she"), I don't know how long you two been together, maybe you started before we break up or maybe just right after we broke up....but you know what, I don't care. I don't, seriously.

如果我沒那麼愛你...

*************************
我不會在一年前的秋天
夜夜聽你訴說你的困擾
你對我們未來幸福的遲疑
你所做過但我沒聽過的故事
或你9年來瞞著我所做過的事
我也故作堅強的充當你的心理醫生
甚至幫你尋找藉口理由
爲你分析你之所以會如此這般做的原因
只因我了解你太深太重太久

How idiot I am, I just realized that I was dumped two months ago when you said “we are going to have a break now, because I am so tired of keeping this kind of relationship.” But for me was that I still have a boyfriend but you just so careless about me for such a long time until now.

I dreamt of you last night
it was Chinese Valentine's day
you did not call me neither yesterday
nor the last couple weeks

終於還是走到這步了~

原本  原本
在昨夜的一番對話
兩小時的嚴肅長談
我們倆幾乎已達成默契
這段感情
走到當晚為止
就醬畫下一個
大大的九年休止符
好解放兩個疲憊不堪的身心

究竟
我們之間還存在什麼
或不存在什麼
我想這是我們兩這個假期
想要弄清楚的惟一一件事吧

I do not know why he came to New York, is it because of Harry Potter VI Chinese edition? or he came here to sleep my excellent IKEA bed? He sleeps a lot and after he comes back to apt, he changes his clothes and starts reading Harry Potter VI right away on my bed, till he fall asleep and snores all night. It goes again and again ~~

He does not wanna do anything here, even does not want to go outside because of the God damn cold weather, so why he comes here??!!
No one force him to do so~~
It did not make me happy and I think so does he ......
We seldom talk after he got here, and it had been three days already.

so what the hell he pander to me to be here?? I did not ask him to do this, shoot..... I really don't get it!!

I really dunno what happened between h and me, I do not feel anything about him even he is in New York now....

Nothing that he did satisfied me, and always made me angry.. I am not sure is it because of the change of me, or he just getting worse and worse..

Of course I know he is a nice guy, who LOVEs to help someone else, but how about me, does he ever think about what I felt?

Damned it~ I got no idea about anything of our relationship~~

爲何~ 爲何~
每次都是你挑起事件來談
我只不過給你我有的答案
你就對我生氣

因為心情不好而抽菸
是我自己選擇的
我無話可說
但起因於當初
爲了聞菸味來想你
到你持續兩個月的傷我心
我才大步邁上這條路
這也是事實
無法否認

竟然
誤認我是因為想要效仿"她"
要當個壞女人來讓你愛
才走上抽菸這條路
你太輕視我了
我不會這樣貶低自己
我還有"自尊"

什麼時候你才會
在念書念到一半時
在跟朋友聊天到一半時
在任何忙碌時刻
會突然想到
『阿，我要打電話給我女友』
因為...她那已經深夜了
因為...我答應要打給她
因為...她在等我電話

The couple of David were get married last year, so they shared some tips for us since we are not get married yet. They are really nice guys~~~ They said :「If you love your H/W, that is not enough, you should also like your H/W. Because "love" could probably mean "just a few moment", love could disappear very easilly; but if you like someone, you should like his/her behavior, his/her bad habits, and everything that s/he does, those are the bases that make couple is the whole.」

At first, I could not understand what they mean about love and like, because as we thought, it should be "too much like" on someone then became to "love" someone. After I think it over and over again as an American, I think I got it~ 

Like is so much important than love, like means you will change yourself a little bit to fit for each other, you will accept who they are originally because human are hardly change, you will think about her/he when you do something in reality. But love is only live in an imaginary world, you love her/him because of you think s/he is the one, you do not even know who s/he is or are you suitable for each other or not, you just love her/him.

So....  guys, starting to "like" someone that you think s/he is the one, not just "love" her/him.

愛人，只是一個愛你的人，是一個除了愛之外，跟你一點血緣關係都沒有的人，是除了朋友之外再多了一點愛在裡面的人，這就叫男女朋友；愛人跟家人不一樣，家人會容忍你一切行為，包容你做錯的事，在你做錯事的背後默默幫你擦屁股，卻只能繼續呆在你身邊，因為你們身上留著共同血液....

當你傷了家人的心，他們或許偷偷留了幾滴淚後，會再次對你迎面微笑，他們不會要你道歉，不會要你補償，他們只能認命，因為這是出生下來就註定的了，誰都改變不了，因為你們是一家人；而當你傷了愛人的心，這個愛會消磨殆盡的，畢竟這中間是靠愛來聯繫彼此的，沒有其他的東西了，當心傷到了一定程度，就不會再痛了，因為已經痛到沒知覺了，神經已經痛死了，這時還會有愛存在嘛??? 我懷疑~~~

經過了這麼多個心碎，心痛的日子，要等到心癒合可能需要一段時間，時間或長或短，端看遠方的那位是否肯饒了我，不再對我施以酷刑，不再讓我的心曝露在黑夜叢林中，找不到路回家.....我其實粉想回家，窩在香香軟軟的被窩裡的!!!

一周一個告白，不是告白對我的愛，而是訴說九年來你對我隱瞞了哪些你曾做過的事或是你的想法，一周一次，，已經痛了至少五次了吧或甚至更多??!! 從當初的可以原諒，到心隱隱抽痛，到現在已經痛到沒有知覺了，或許要用強心針才能使它再度復活，不知道這樣的結果您滿意嘛??

把我的心徹底毀滅過後，才跟我說"我回家了，我們從新開始吧"，這樣的你不叫自私，天底下就沒人敢自稱為自私拉~~ 還說謝謝你的ex，因為跟她見面搞了這件事，而讓你好好地、有機會的審視我們這段感情，把你這些年來瞞著我所做的一切通通告訴我，讓我瞭解你是這樣的一個人後，再看我有沒有辦法跟你繼續走下去，在九年之後搞了這樣一樁事，會不會太花時間拉?? 你憋了九年也辛苦啦，下次提早講好嘛，做人不用這樣痛苦吧??

一通電話
訴說著我"應該"是你的最後選擇
爲何我一點興奮之情都沒有

沒想到你真的在衡量我和她
在你生命中的輕重
如果只是因為我的陪伴比她久
那我寧願選擇放棄
如果你的標準
是依據你的良心譴責百分比
我照樣選擇退出
如果是因為我比較懂你
我也會說聲抱歉
理由只因為
我~~太懂你了

跟一個不是因為深深愛我
而決定跟我過一生的人
或是心中永遠存在
其他人的陰影
這樣的下輩子
我寧願獨自一個人走

你希望你週遭的所有人都幸福
並會盡全力達成他們的希望

那我勒
我的幸福算什麼
你會盡力達成嗎
我的幸福比其他人更不重要嗎
如果互相有衝突怎辦
是我的重要還是他人的

還有
你以為你是誰
所有人的需求你都可以達成嘛
不管你做不做得到
不管人家要不要你的施捨或幫助
你
是上帝？是耶穌？或是土地公？
自以為可以造福世人
有求必應?

如果你真這麼博愛，
要把愛貢獻給所有人
我
並不想佔據你那有限的空間(你的心)
及時間(你的人生)
就將你留給其他人用好了
而這是我僅能提供的小小貢獻
畢竟我也想爲世界做點事

過多的計較
換來的祇是傷痕累累
太多的無所謂
只會讓人失去信心

世間人爲了愛情
分分合合，糾糾纏纏
究竟該如何拿捏
才是最適合的距離

愛情這個學分
有人可以一路拿A嘛?
如果真有這樣的人
他應該是外星人吧

No one knows what will happen, nothing can be predictable~

What the hell is that ?? 10 years ago's gf will affect my relationship NOW~~ Am I deserve to be treating like that?? Did I do something wrong that he has to change his mind towarding to her?? He never thought about her for ten years, but now, everyday is all about her, where I am ??? Why should I get hurt even though I did not do anything.... I DID NOT DO ANYTHING.. ooOooooOOoo

Don't say that if you knew something, you should do something before things happen.... You will never know what will happen now, don't mation in the future.... God damned it!! STUPID MAN!!

一件突發事件尚未完全結束，又搞了另一個問題出來，是存心要跟我過不去嘛??

生BB是要靠夫妻倆人有共識、且有教育基金、一起負責任的撫養小孩成長(小孩的教育費超貴的說)，不是捐精子給老婆生出男孩來(女孩還不算數勒)就算給父母親一個交代了，老公就此晾在一旁啥都不管了，這樣的婚姻並不會因為有小孩而幸福的；而老婆也就此毀了一生，把後半輩子全部奉獻給小孩，一切有關小孩的事，全都交到老婆一人身上，老公只會自認是提供尿布錢的人，他有事業要拼阿，他要升經理拉，沒空管小孩的事啦....(然後藉口說不會換尿布，也不願學習；更甚者會說，我在外面賺錢養家，老婆在家就應該好好管教好小孩阿，說的一副小孩就只是老婆的責任似的，請問小孩跟老婆姓嗎???) 而夫妻也沒有了倆人世界，這真得是夫妻倆希望過的生活嗎?? 用小孩來經營或是說撐住一段婚姻???

許多夫妻即使感情出現狀況，但是因為有小孩而執行著有名無實的婚姻，等到10年甚至20年過後，小孩長大成人，夫妻倆才因為年紀大了，只好就互相照顧老年生活，即使已經毫無感情存在了.....這樣的委屈跟勉強是爲了誰阿??

生一個小孩，有可能毀了兩個人的幸福滴~~~ 那何苦要冒這個險勒???